queen-crabQueen Crab
Directed by Brett Piper
Starring: Michelle Simone Miller, Kathryn Metz, Rich Lounello
Wild Eye Releasing
September 29, 2015
Reviewed by Jess Landry

When you sit down to watch a movie like Queen Crab, you have to go in with an open mind. Yes, the movie will probably be terrible and lack any sense of logic. Yes, the special effects will most likely look more homemade than your failed attempts at that cute D.I.Y. project you saw on Pinterest. But if you go into a movie knowing these things, you might actually enjoy yourself.

Or not. It really all depends on your pain threshold.

First, here’s the synopsis from Wild Eye Releasing:

A meteor crashes into a quiet lake in the remote countryside and awakens a centuries-old beast, who tears through a nearby town and its inhabitants, who must fight for their lives and stop this Queen Crab before she can hatch an army of babies.

That sounds awesome. But much like the DVD cover, none of that is in the movie I watched. There’s no meteor, no centuries-old beast and no tearing through a nearby town. Instead, there’s a friendly, adorable stop-motion crab; a heart-warming interspecies friendship; a Dog the Bounty Hunter / Crocodile Dundee wannabe sheriff; plenty of gun-happy hillbillies; attempted rape (because, why not); and oodles of stock dinosaur noises.

Basically, Queen Crab is a perfect candidate for Mystery Science Theater 3000. It’s super low budget, the story is all over the place, and the acting isn’t even worthy of a Razzie nomination.

That being said, if you set your expectations to their lowest possible setting, then you can’t be disappointed. And I wasn’t. Queen Crab is exactly what I expected it to be: non-sensical, kind of lame and somewhat enjoyable.

As far as creature features go, this movie’s a little less creature and even less feature. The queen crab herself isn’t on screen for most of the movie, but after the 45 minute mark we see her a little bit more. And yeah, she’s kinda adorable. The stop-motion special effects are by no means exceptional, but keeping the budget in mind, they’re passable.

For what it’s worth, the DVD includes three behind-the-scenes featurettes, audio commentary from director Brett Piper and producer Mark Polonia, random trailers for equally awesomely-terrible looking movies and bloopers.

All in all, you have to take these kinds of movies for what they’re worth. If you’re a fan of the lesser-Syfy-quality, terrible storyline type of movie, then go ahead, watch Queen Crab. I dare you. At least you’ll know what you’re about to step in before you do.

About Jess Landry

Jess Landry is an eccentric billionaire, the inventor of the hacky-sack and a compulsive liar. She spends her time mentally preparing for the zombie apocalypse and playing with her cats. You can find some of her work online at SpeckLit.com and EGM Shorts.

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This