Star Crash
Director: Lewis Coates
Stars: Marjoe Gortner, Caroline Munro, Christopher Plummer, David Hasselhoff
Review by Brian M. Sammons
Ever since Shout! Factory has started to release gems of per ’80s cheese-tastic awesomeness in the form of BDs and DVDs under the Roger Corman’s Cult Classics line, I’ve been in geek heaven. Humanoids From The Deep, Piranha, Galaxy Of Terror, and the entire Slumber Party Massacre series, to name but a few, have all found warm and welcoming spots in my movie library. But as they say, nothing lasts forever. Such was my disappointment with this insipid, soggy, sci-fi snooze fest. With a very heavy heart, let me tell you about Star Crash.
First and foremost the whole thing looks ridiculously cheap, and considering I have yet to say that about any of the other Corman Classics I’ve reviewed, that’s really saying something. The costumes actually made me giggle every time someone strutted out in a new on, the special effects would make an amateur blush, ranging from blue-skinned aliens where they missed spots and the actor’s normal skin tone peeks through, to lasers that don’t even originate from the barrels of the ray guns firing them, to spaceships that looked so fake and plastic that when they came on screen I expected to see the hand of an eight-year-old holding it up and hear him making “whooshing” sounds.
This cheapness goes so far as the thoroughly chintzy soundtrack and the acting, good lord don’t get me started on the acting. The lines are delivered either woodenly, as if the actor is half asleep, or with so much scene-chewing tenacity that Al Pacino would have told these guys to take it down a notch. This ranges from a guy in a plastic helmet who’s supposed to be a robot and yet speaks like Yosemite Sam, to Christopher Plumber slumming it for a paycheck as the emperor of the galaxy, and to a very young and unintentionally hilarious looking David Hasselhoff complete with ’80s big hair.
The story is completely forgettable and throwaway, so much so that even now I’m having a hard time remembering it and I just watched the damn thing. There’s something about a giant weapon hidden on a planet and uhm … amazons on horses for some reason. Then there’s a rip off of Talos from Jason And The Argonauts that looks far less convincing despite being made fifteen years later, and let’s not forget about the lightsabers. Oh, I mean “laser swords.” We don’t want to get sued, after all.
But can this movie be all bad? Well no, but it tries awfully hard to be. Unlike other the other Cult Classics, this movie is rated PG which means that it doesn’t even have the old Corman standbys of blood, breasts, and beasts to make it even the tiniest bit enjoyable. It does have the lovely Caroline Munro running around in a black bikini through most of it for some unknown reason, and really that’s the only good thing I can think of about this movie. Well that and the amount of extras Shout! Factory put out with the Blu-ray, so if for some reason you are a fan of this movie then this BD will make you very happy. But honestly I can’t recommend this movie, not to horror fans, not to sci-fi fans, not even to fans of cheesy ’80s drive-in flicks. Maybe if you have some kids and want to get them a safe sci-fi romp then this will do, but other than that you might as well skip this one.
