Directors: Drew Bolduc & Dan G. Nelson
Stars: Drew Bolduc, Colleen Walsh, Kenneth Hall
Review by Brian M. Sammons
I normally don’t dig low budget, independent flicks. While you get the occasional pleasant surprise, far more often than not there’s a reason those bargain basement films stay underground and unknown. Quite simply, most of them aren’t very good. That’s why when I get a request to watch and review one of those films, I usually pass. But I do try to keep an open mind so if a movie has a trailer I’ll usually give it a look to see if I want to invest 90 minutes or so in it. That is why I watched the trailer to The Taint. Two minutes later I knew I had to see this movie. Why? Because it looked completely, totally, absolutely crazy. Now I didn’t know if it would be any good, but it sure looked like something I had to experience for myself. But be warned, I thought the same thing about A Serbian Film and the August Underground movies, so sometimes my curiosity gets me into trouble.
That is not to say that this movie is like those others in tackling unpleasant subjects in a serious light. No, The Taint firmly has its tongue stapled to its cheek. All the gross, disgusting, vile things this movie does are done with a smile on its dim witted, gapped-toothed, vacant-eyed face. It revels in its repulsiveness and thoroughly enjoys its exploitation of all things crass and icky. It is offensive, rude and crude and it’s completely fine with that.
So, have I enticed you into watching this film yet? If not, then good for you. Feel free to stop reading now and never think of this movie gain. If this does sound like a film you want to see, then God help you, but then I felt the same way so I can’t condemn you. So if you’re still reading this, then let’s get to it.
The story, such as it is, of The Taint is about some scientist making a drug to give guys bigger Johnsons. Something goes wrong with the drug; it gets into the water supply, and soon all the men, save our hero Phil, are killing women. And that’s it for the story, but that does nothing to prepare you for what this little gem has to offer.
Things begin with our stoner hero getting chased by a bucked-toothed psycho with a scythe who craps himself in the middle of the chase, and yes we get to see him do it. A few minutes later Phil finds a bloody, mangled corpse and promptly vomits … a lot. Yes, we get to see that too and it looks like the actor/producer/writer/director/everything else Drew Bolduc went the extra mile and puked for real. Thanks for that, Drew. A few moments later, while Phil is taking a wicked wiz, another psycho comes out of the woods, holding a rock over his head, and with his penis sticking out of his pants, spraying semen all over the place like a sputtering garden hose. So at the five minute mark in this film we have covered all of the bodily fluids and excretions and this flick is just getting started.
What, you want more highlights?
Ok, there are lots of women getting their heads caved in by rocks, a coat hanger abortion, gallons of fake blood and semen, way too many gay jokes, vaginas vomiting out blood, sex as seen from the inside of a vagina, gratuitous nudie shots, Nazis sizing up men’s schlongs and executing those who don’t measure up, two different faces getting peeled off, penises getting shot and hacked off, and a cartoon about cute bunnies getting tortured in a test lab.
Sounds like a good time, right?
If you are into the mondo gory, offensive, silly, and disturbing flicks then you might dig this. If not, then you should stay the hell away from this movie. As for me, I ping ponged back and forth. Sometimes I laughed out loud, other times I cringed (usually at the unnecessarily offensive gay jokes as opposed to the gore gags), and at other times I just rolled my eyes. The Taint is uneven and could use some polish to be sure, but I did admire the “screw it, we’re gonna go for it” attitude. Love it or hate it, they really don’t make movies like this anymore, at least not in America.
Care to test your own boundaries of good taste? You can order your own copy from the website here: The Taint
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